Improving communication skills for couples can be challenging, especially when facing marriage or relationship problems. Whether arguments arise or feelings of distance emerge, effective communication can be the key to resolving issues.
Arguments are a natural part of any marriage, serving as a means to push each other, settle disagreements, express feelings, and find solutions. However, not all argument tactics are created equal. When arguments become repetitive, explosive, or fail to address underlying problems, couples must recalibrate their approach to communication and learn how to fight constructively.
Dr. Anthony Chambers, the Chief Academic Officer of The Family Institute and the Director of the Center for Applied Psychological and Family Studies at Northwestern University, has extensive experience observing various arguments among couples.
The most frequently occurring topics of dispute are unsurprisingly money and parenting. Differences in saving or spending priorities often become heated subjects, along with discussions about the frequency and quality of romance and varying parenting strategies. However, beneath these disputes lies a flawed concept that Chambers emphasizes: the obsession with “fairness.”
Couples, he suggests, should shift their focus from fairness to happiness, as excessive concern about fairness often breeds resentment, which can be detrimental to relationships.
In a conversation with Fatherly, Chambers shared insights on common communication mistakes couples make during arguments and how to avoid them to fight effectively.
Here are the 6 deadly sins of communication to sidestep for a healthier relationship:
- Big mistake: Criticizing the partner as a person Starting a conversation by critiquing a partner’s value as a human being can escalate arguments unnecessarily. Distinguishing between critiquing behavior and attacking the person’s character is crucial. Specific criticisms that focus on behavior are more productive than broad statements attacking their overall worth.
Solution: Be specific in your criticisms, using “I” statements like “I felt hurt when I saw you do this, because x, y, and z.”
- Big mistake: Becoming defensive Arguments can quickly deteriorate when one partner becomes immediately defensive. Engaging in debates about the validity of the problem hinders progress towards understanding the underlying issues and finding solutions.
Solution: Display trust in your partner and embrace curiosity rather than judgment when they bring up concerns.
- Big mistake: Stonewalling and invalidating each other Stonewalling, or shutting down communication, is toxic for relationships. Ignoring a partner’s attempts to communicate creates resentment and hampers the resolution of problems.
Solution: Prioritize making each other feel heard and maintain open, honest conversations to prevent resentment from building.
- Big mistake: Bringing up issues at the wrong moment Serious discussions about relationship issues should be avoided when under the influence of alcohol or during inappropriate settings. Emotions can be amplified when intoxicated, leading to hurtful remarks and unproductive arguments.
Solution: Schedule times for important talks when both partners are in a calm and receptive state of mind.
- Big mistake: Not taking breaks or failing to return to the conversation Couples must take breaks during heated discussions to avoid escalation. However, simply walking away without setting a plan to reconvene leaves the other partner feeling unheard.
Solution: Communicate the need for a break, setting a specific time to resume the conversation and ensure both partners are ready to re-engage constructively.
- Big mistake: Focusing solely on diagnosing the problem While understanding the root cause of conflicts is vital, dwelling solely on diagnosing the problem can lead to feelings of hopelessness and anger.
Solution: Shift the focus towards finding solutions to the problem together, fostering hope and reassurance.
By avoiding these communication pitfalls and adopting healthier approaches to conflict resolution, couples can strengthen their bond and cultivate a happier, more fulfilling relationship.