In the world of relationships, some beginnings seem almost magical. You meet someone, and an instant connection forms, making you feel comfortable and understood. However, as time goes on, you find yourselves caught in repetitive arguments, and it feels like you don’t understand each other at all.
Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Shouldn’t loving each other be enough to sail smoothly through life? Why does it take so much effort to get along?
The truth is, conflict is inevitable in any relationship, regardless of who you’re with. It’s okay to disagree and feel angry; getting stuck in a cycle of fights is a normal progression. The crucial aspect is having the skills to navigate through these conflicts and create a deeper connection with your partner.
The good news is that both you and your partner can learn new skills to strengthen your bond and handle disagreements constructively. When you accept conflicts and miscommunications as natural parts of any relationship, you can focus on developing the abilities to nurture your love.
Real Love and Its Complexities
Real love isn’t always synonymous with easy love. When you experience true love with someone, it’s not only because of what you have in common, such as a shared sense of humor, similar tastes, life goals, mutual attraction, and chemistry. Equally important are the differences between you and your partner.
Your partner is an entirely different individual, with distinct beliefs, strategies for coping with stress, responses to stimuli, mental and emotional patterns, and life experiences. These differences are the foundation of disagreements in your relationship. Navigating through these differences together is essential for fostering genuine love, as loving each other doesn’t mean that your differences won’t cause friction.
Love is a Choice, Not a Feeling
Real love is not a mere coincidence of finding the perfect partner. Believing that the initial feeling of falling in love will last forever and effortlessly resolve all conflicts is unrealistic. Instead, real love requires effort and a commitment to navigating through challenges together, allowing you to create a more profound and satisfying connection over time.
The idea that real love is devoid of conflict is a fallacy. Sharing a lifetime with someone necessitates facing issues together, which ultimately strengthens the bond between you. True love endures because each person actively chooses the relationship over ego needs and desires.
Moreover, love is not solely a feeling but a choice you make every day of your life. It’s not just about how you feel about your partner; it involves taking loving actions, even on days when you don’t feel like it. Love requires continuous effort and conscious decisions to prioritize each other’s well-being.
Understanding the Stages of a Relationship
Examining the two initial stages of a relationship sheds light on why couples often get stuck in a fight cycle.
The Romance Stage: The first stage of a relationship is the romance stage, characterized by a sense of euphoria due to the release of chemicals in the brain. During this stage, you may perceive your partner as perfect, and disagreements are uncommon. However, this romantic high is temporary, and it serves to fill the relationship with positive memories that can be drawn upon during challenging times.
The Power Struggle Stage: As the romantic chemicals wear off, both partners start to individuate from each other. This second stage, the power struggle stage, involves conflicts arising as both individuals assert their ways of thinking and doing things. The differences that initially brought you together are now seen through a critical lens, leading to arguments and disagreements.
It’s essential to recognize that no couple skips the power struggle stage. Embracing the reality that conflict is a natural part of relationships is crucial for growth and strengthening the bond.
Navigating Conflict: Six Ways to Strengthen Real Love
Take a Pause When Triggered: When you feel triggered, refrain from reacting impulsively. Give yourself a moment to calm your nervous system before reconnecting with your partner. Taking responsibility for your emotions and calming yourself down is essential for fostering emotional intimacy and connection.
Let Go of the Rope: Avoid engaging in ego battles over right and wrong in conflicts. Release the rope by not taking your partner’s behavior personally. Instead, focus on being curious about their perspective and fostering compassion.
Take Responsibility for Your Triggers: Acknowledge and take ownership of your emotional reactions, as they are products of your coping strategies developed long before the relationship. Your partner is not responsible for your triggers; you are.
Nurture Authenticity in Your Communications: Share your feelings authentically using “I” statements instead of focusing on your partner’s actions. Authentic communication invites emotional intimacy and connection.
Don’t Demand Agreement: Emotional intimacy doesn’t require agreement on every matter. Avoid holding on to ego desires for rightness and wrongness and focus on restoring connection and understanding.
Don’t Keep Score: After resolving conflicts and reconnecting, let go of any lingering anger or resentment. Clean up any misunderstandings or minor annoyances promptly to maintain emotional intimacy.
Real love requires effort, but it need not be arduous work. By mastering constructive conversations and embracing conflicts as opportunities for deeper connections, you can foster genuine love and strengthen your bond with your partner.